Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
