We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
