Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
