I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
