seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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