If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
