I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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