I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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