I met the friendliest cop last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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