I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
