Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
