Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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