Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So squirting runs in the family.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
