belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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