Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
