My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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