so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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