Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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