me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
