Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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