life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
