my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
