Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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