he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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