I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
