My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
