Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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