I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
