i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
