Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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