I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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