Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
