Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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