You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
