last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
