i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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