I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
