Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
