I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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