im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
