a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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