Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
