Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
