my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Couch. On fire.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
