I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
