dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
