I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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