I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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