Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
