You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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