Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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