Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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