glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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