I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
