Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
