Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
