JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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