if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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