We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
