It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
