Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
