im six kinds of drunk right now
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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