come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
