grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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