Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
